I received so much support after posting the cute little video I made of the baby after my sonogram (you can watch it here: Surprise, I’m A Mom! Sorpresa, Soy Mama! ) I feel so lucky, and happy, and a little in love at the same time! But if I’m being completely honest with you all, I have to start this post by telling you that pregnancy has been a little different from what I was expecting:
I’m really really scared. I know it’s probably very strange to listen to a pregnant woman say these words since pregnant women talk about a sense of joy an bliss all the time! Off course I feel joy, (never bliss, I have been throwing up and unable to stand from my bed for 3 months!) But at the same time I’m scared. I’m scared because having a child brings a big responsibility not only with that little human’s life, but also with the world. Am I going to be able to teach my children to be good humans? Will I be able to love with all my heart someone and at the same time love myself and my husband? Will I continue to be able to work on my projects? Yes I’m scared, but I don’t think that being scared is a bad thing. I’m also petrified of labor, for someone who faints with the smallest sense of pain, (I end up VERY drugged up after a simple dentist appointment) labor seems like the hardest part.
I have found that accepting that I’m scared and anxious is a taboo. People have responded in different ways: “don’t say that, you’ll transfer those feelings to the baby!”, “Why are you scared? being pregnant is beautiful!”, “Why are you scared if you don’t have any money problems?” Well, I think that being scared is perfectly healthy, if not normal. Not being motherly since the moment you are pregnant is also normal, your motherly instinct will quick in when you are ready. For me it came in the form of a dream after a day filled with anxiety and all-day sickness (yes, morning sickness should be called all-day sickness) I dreamt with my baby, the process, and finally with him/her in my arms with a beautiful face, soft baby skin, and that so-called bliss that so many moms claim and I haven’t felt until I dreamt about him/her.
I’ll end this post by pointing you to my picture above, the one that says: “mothers are all slightly insane”. Becoming a mom, I now understand how we all are a little insane. Who in their right mind would die to drop everything and give her heart fully to another human? It shows how being a mother requires leaving all your ego behind and starting a new chapter. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be entering this chapter, and probably that’s why I’m slightly insane, and very scared.
And for a little inspiration:
- For those who are entering motherhood with me: A list of virgin cocktails, because lets face it, not being able to eat sushi should be enough to drive you off the edge, not drinking is a whole new boring deal! Click here
- For those who had a miscarriage and are trying again: Before getting pregnant I had a miscarriage. It was my first time trying and my anxious self was convinced that I had a problem and was not going to be able to have children. I was not only scared, but also extremely sad, trying to mourn for something that people didn’t understand. I found this post on TLS very hopeful, and was one of those posts that helped me start living my pregnancy without fear. Specially since I know Audrey, it was a ray of hope for a situation that neither I nor the people surrounding me understood. Click Here. I also loved this piece on why we can’t talk about miscarriage,Click Here
- For those who don’t want to be moms: I have friends who don’t want to be moms and feel strongly judged by society. They are amazing human beings, healthy, with beautiful relationships, they simply don’t want motherhood. I admire their courage and at the same time see in them many motherly things that makes them moms in their own ways, some of them have dogs or pets and love them deeply, others care strongly for other human beings and show compassion to the deepest levels, and others are dedicated to the environment in a passionate way. I loved this article by Beth Leipholtz on “otherhood” as I like to call it, I find the word “childless” too harsh to describe these amazing women! Click Here
- For those who want children and are still trying: I feel your pain. After my miscarriage I felt desperate and scared at the prospect of not knowing if I was going to be able to have children. I feel the anxiety you feel, the fear, the annoyance of having to answer the famous question: “when are you going to have children?” – seriously, why do people ask this? So invasive! I want to tell you that life is a strange journey and that we will find our path, in the meanwhile, if you need smart responses to annoying strangers I found this link really helpful: Click Here.
At last! Forgive me for not posting in 3 months! I’m back with more content and photos and exciting projects! Stay in touch!